What Do You Mean I'm Being Controlling?
Gaining A Better Understanding of What Control Is and
How It Affects You and Others Around You

by David J. Decker, M.A., L.P.

Many people become confused and even upset if a partner or someone else in their lives accuses them of "being controlling" in their relationship. And many people are all too quick to completely dismiss the notion that they are being controlling without really thinking about what the other person is actually trying to communicate to them or trying to understand what it really means to be controlling.

The desire to have some control over what happens around us in our lives is a natural part of being human, often motivated by a drive to attempt to create safety and predictability in our environment. This is especially true in punishing or abusive families, where people treat each other in hurtful and disrespectful ways and where there is a lot of chaos, instability, unreliability, and unpredictability (see more about this in Unit III: Shame and Empowerment).

There are healthy aspects of this desire to control, captured best by the description of being in control of oneself (see Self-Control below). There are also examples of the necessity of exerting some control over others like the importance of parents providing guidance to children as they grow, the need for a teacher to provide some structure in the classroom, and the desire for a supervisor to have some control over what his or her employees do in the workplace.

Like many parts of our humanness, control is on a continuum and everyone experiences varying degrees of a desire and actual attempts to control others. But the desire to control becomes a glaring problem when it involves going to extremes to try to influence and dominate others around us. Attempting to "micromanage" your children, your friends, your students, your employees, or a partner in a intimate relationship is limiting and confining to the people with whom you are doing this and gets in the way of building a safe, trusting, nurturing, and healthy relationship with them.

Explosive, disrespectful, and punishing families often create very controlling individuals who then leave their original families and do, in their adult relationships, exactly the same thing that they saw played out when they were growing up. Trying to control everything within yourself and around you is the cardinal rule of a shame-based system, whether it is a family or any other type of organization. Shame is a way of looking at yourself, other people, and the world around you and a way of living your life based on control, perfectionism, blame, and reactivity that leads to cynicism, despair, and stagnation. Being shamed-based creates enormous insecurity and self-doubt. Shame-based and controlling individuals believe it is their "right" and their “responsibility” to control other people and the situations around them so that they can try to feel okay about themselves and their lives. They often think to themselves: “If others just do what I want and see the world in the way that I do, then everything will be fine for me and everyone else.” Unfortunately, if you were raised in a family like this, where significant control was overtly or covertly manifested and where rigid roles of you and others were expected, you may have taken on some of the unhealthy aspects related to control. When control becomes an intense and all-consuming desire to take charge or force change in a person or situation and is then acted out by you in the relationship or the situation, it becomes a problem and often leads to manipulative, disrespectful, punishing, intimidating, and sometimes even violent behavior.

When people talk about someone being controlling, this generally refers to the category called Over-Control of Others (see some specific examples below). In a disrespectful, explosive, or shaming family, we are often taught that we are supposed to "take charge" of what happens around us. Being in charge of others and "having life the way I think it should be" is viewed as the primary way that your life can run smoothly and that you can feel comfortable in your daily living. In these types of families, control is also often viewed incorrectly as a sign that others respect, care about, and love you. So if someone is unwilling to follow your “plan” for them, this becomes personalized and you may believe that “others don’t really love me if they won’t do what I want them to do and be who I want them to be”.

We also get messages about the need to be in control from the larger culture. Just think about how a "real man" is supposed to respond to problems or conflicts according to our society's messages. Men are supposed to take charge and even "kick butt" if necessary. Women, in the past, have had fewer opportunities to directly exert control over others. But they have also been taught that it is okay to use manipulation and passive-aggressive behaviors (such as acting like a long-suffering martyr to instill guilt in others) to get what they want. Even this, however, is changing in our present culture and, for many women, direct efforts to control others are becoming much more a part of their ongoing repertoire in their interactions with others.

A desire to control can be masked in the guise of an entitled and arrogant belief that "I know what's best for you (so you need to do what I say).” It can also be hidden in the idea that your controlling attitudes and behaviors are, in fact, really a sign of love and caring for the other person: “I only say these things to you because I love you (and so you need to do what I want),” "I am only trying to take care of you (because you can't take care of yourself adequately)" and “I just want to 'help' you (because you are not capable of helping or 'fixing' yourself)." But these are simply variations on a theme designed to put the controller in charge of the other person and his or her life.

Over-Control is actually a prison for both the person being controlled and the controller since both peoples' options and choices are significantly limited when someone tries to exert power and control over another person. When someone tries to control somebody else, they interfere with that person's ability to develop as a human being and to become the person he or she really wants to be. The "down side" for the controller in that situation is that he or she assumes complete responsibility for the other person's life. That can become an enormous burden. When all is said and done, who wants to be in prison, as either the warden or the inmate? This is not a healthy way to live.

Over-Control is always about fear, self-doubt, insecurity, and uncertainty. People who have a strong desire to control others do not, in fact, feel good about themselves. In reality, just the opposite is true. People who basically feel okay about themselves do not need to force their feelings, thoughts, actions, and will on others. Nor do they assume that they know more than everyone else and, because of this, have the right to impose their “wisdom” on others. People have the right and the responsibility to direct their own lives, even if we disagree with how they are doing it. In the end, you cannot force someone to live your “game plan” for them. This doesn’t mean that many of us don’t try to do this, however. The controlling person is generally saying to himself or herself: "What will happen if I let go?" or “Things will really fall apart if I don't continue to try to maintain control of this situation." These kinds of thoughts can lead to an obsessive desire to hang onto a belief that we, in fact, have that right and responsibility to try to control someone else.

Paradoxically, the more we try to control people and things outside ourselves, the more "out-of-control," frustrated, victimized, and powerless we end up feeling in our lives. It is truly aggravating when people won’t do what we “know” is best for them. This often ends up simply fueling more and stronger attempts to control others which leads to a cycle of unending misery. Trying to control other people and their behavior may work short-term but it just doesn't work in an ongoing manner. Eventually, the people we are trying to control will react and rebel, either overtly or covertly, and begin to emotionally distance from us. Being a prisoner in a family or a relationship is not what most people want. It is not safe and it is not respectful. The only person you really have any control over is yourself.

In addition, when we become over-concerned with ourselves and how we appear and act (see Over-Control of Self below) or allow others to completely dominate us and our lives (see Lack of Self-Control below), we end up suffering emotionally as well. Look through the lists that follow and see where you fit related to these issues of control.

People who are angry, especially when their anger is disrespectful, punishing, and explosive, want to control what is going on around them. Control is a "given" whenever anger is present. We feel uncomfortable and want something to change. And the more intense and severe the anger expression is, the more a desire to control is present in the person expressing the anger.

If an angry person is feeling unhappy about something, they may want the other person to "fix it" in order to allow them to get into a “happier” mood or to feel better about their situation. If they are feeling insecure, they may want someone to make them feel more secure and okay about themselves. If they are feeling threatened or fearful, they may want the other person to "back off" and stop whatever they are doing to threaten them. If things feel "out of control" around them, they may want someone to do something to help them feel like things are more "in control." But, sadly, the bottom line is that no one can do these things for you to “make” you feel better. In the end, you have to take responsibility for your own life, your happiness, and your feeling of well-being.

Disrespectful and explosive anger works short-term to control people and situations. In fact, people who act this way often get what they want in the immediate situation. But the end result is generally not what they are seeking or expecting. Eventually, the people around them and the disrespectful anger they are displaying feel fearful, intimidated, hurt, punished, and controlled and start to distance from the angry person, both emotionally and, in many cases, physically as well. They may even end the relationship completely.

The definitions below talk about four aspects of control and identify qualities and characteristics that are a part of each. Take a look and see if any of these fit for you or others you know.

OVER-CONTROL OF OTHERS: doing as much as you possibly can to attempt to dominate and take charge of the people and situations around you. This means frequently violating others’ personal boundaries through OVERT (e.g. being verbally demanding) or COVERT (e.g. being manipulative) methods. Over- Control can be related to:

• Having lower self-esteem
• Expecting and even demanding that others do what you want them to do and be who you want them to be
• Being aggressive and intrusive and and invading others' personal space and boundaries
• Not knowing or caring much about how you are affecting others
  • ...or denying, discounting, or dismissing feedback from others about how they are being affected by you and your attempts to control them
• Forcing unwanted advice, suggestions, and your "knowledge" and "wisdom" on others
• Interrupting and speaking for and over others
• Attempting to be "one-up" in your relationships with others by being condescending, grandiose, arrogant, and “holier-than-thou”
• Being "closed-minded" and unable or unwilling to see things from others' perspectives
• Manipulating and being passive-aggressive to get what you desire
• "Playing the victim" and acting helpless, hopeless, and powerless to try to get your way
• "Playing the martyr" and using guilt and self-righteousness with others to attempt to get what you want
• Using bribes
• Shaming or discounting others
• Threatening, bullying, and intimidating others
• Using economic control
  • ...withholding money, making all the important financial decisions, deciding how money is to be spent, giving an adult partner "an allowance" that you alone have decided is appropriate
• Trying to isolate others to maintain your power over them (e.g. from friends and family)
• Being critical and judgmental about others' ideas, opinions, feelings, wants, and actions
• Using male entitlement:
  • ...e.g. "I should make all the important decisions about your life because I am a man, which means I am more capable and competent than women are"
• Using female entitlement:
  • ...e.g. "I should have the final say, get what I want, and determine what happens in our relationship because I am a woman and I deserve to be pampered and taken care of by any man who is close to me"
• Using emotional and/or verbal abuse
• Using physical and/or sexual abuse

LACK OF SELF-CONTROL: allowing others to violate your personal boundaries by dominating and taking charge of who you are, what you think, what you feel, and how you act. This way of being can be related to:

• Having lower self-esteem
• Feeling worthless, inadequate, and incompetent
• Lacking self-knowledge (e.g. about your thoughts, feelings, wants, and needs)
• Lacking self-confidence and self-respect
• Having difficulty identifying and articulating your own values, beliefs, and personal goals
• Feeling adrift and having little or no focus, purpose, or meaning in your life
• Being easily influenced and controlled by others and what they think and want
• Having little self-discipline
  • ...e.g. creating little structure and routine in your life
• Having few clear personal boundaries for yourself
  • ...e.g. regarding time, space, and commitments
• Being passive and unwilling or unable to speak up for yourself and to set healthy limits with others
• Acting helpless, hopeless, and powerless
• "Stuffing" anger, resentment, and other feelings until they come out in self-destructive ways
• Being "people-pleasing" and “co-dependent”
• Allowing others to define who you are and direct what you do
• Being driven and motivated primarily by guilt, shame, and others' expectations of you

OVER-CONTROL OF SELF: keeping "too tight a rein" on who you are, how you express yourself, and how you experience your life. This way of being can be related to:

• Having lower self-esteem
• Feeling tense and anxious much of the time
• Having rigid and inflexible personal boundaries
• Being "tight," constrained, and "very careful" in how you present yourself and interact with others
• Avoiding spontaneity and playfulness
• Being continually fearful about making mistakes, being judged and criticized, or appearing "stupid" or "silly" to others
• Being obsessive and compulsive in various aspects of your life
  • ...e.g. regarding neatness, cleanliness
• Acting overly serious and somber
• Being unwilling to take risks and over-concerned with the idea of failing at what you do
• Being perfectionistic
• Being untrusting, guarded, and unwilling to self-disclose and to be vulnerable with others
• Being "closed-minded" and unable or unwilling to see things from others' perspectives

SELF-CONTROL: making reasonable efforts to maintain control of yourself in your own life and to try to reasonably influence others, which involves sharing power equally, negotiation, and "give and take." This way of being can be related to:

• Having higher self-esteem
• Knowing yourself and experiencing self-confidence and self-respect
• Having personal goals and dreams and actively pursuing them
• Knowing and living your beliefs and values
• Knowing and using your “personal power”
  • ...vs. trying to exert “power over” others
• Being willing to take personal and work-related risks
• Maintaining a healthy discipline in your life
• Providing yourself with structure and routine in your daily living
• Having and maintaining clear and healthy boundaries for yourself
  • ...e.g. about your body, your time, your space
• Having a clear sense of how your words and actions affect those around you
• Acknowledging and respecting other peoples’ personal boundaries
  • ...including being willing to listen and take into account others’ perspectives
• Feeling empathy, compassion, and caring for others
• Being accepting of differences between you and others
• Allowing yourself to experience all your emotions
• Expressing your feelings openly, respectfully, and appropriately
• Being direct, honest, and assertive with your thoughts, ideas, and opinions
• Offering guidance and wisdom to others without the expectation that they will necessarily be who you want them to be or "have a good attitude" about what you say or want
• Accepting that others truly do have a clear right to chart the course of their lives
• Understanding what intimacy is and actively promoting caring and emotional connection in your relationships
• Being able to trust others you choose to have in your life and be vulnerable with them when appropriate

© 2006 David J. Decker, MA, LP - adapted in part from material by Michael Obsatz Phd
Phone: 612-725-8402 or 651-646-4325 - www.ANGEResources.com